


Recovery

by tonystans



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Alternate Universe - No Powers, Bucky Barnes Needs a Hug, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, I don't even know what else to add, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, M/M, Tony Stark Needs a Hug, War Veteran Bucky Barnes, just two boys battling addiction and falling for each other, they're just trying to help each other out, they're trying to get better though
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-17
Updated: 2018-03-17
Packaged: 2019-04-01 12:34:39
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,584
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13998447
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tonystans/pseuds/tonystans
Summary: “Alright everyone, good work today! Before you go though, Tony, Bucky, stay behind for an extra moment, please.”Both men sighed but did as requested and when the other few members of the group left Sam leaned back in his seat and shook his head slowly, “I want to try something with you two. Instead of doing group sessions here, during the weekly slot when we have these meetings I want you two to meet on your own away from the group.”Tony spluttered on his words for a moment whilst Bucky dropped his head into his hands, groaning silently, “What gave you that genius idea?”In which Bucky and Tony meet in a recovery clinic to help them with their alcohol addictions. When Sam thinks it's a good idea to put the two of them together for their own therapy sessions, it takes a while and some prodding for them to open up to each other, but when they do, it's completely worth everything they went through for the end result.





	Recovery

Tony Stark sighed as he looked around the room. He had been here for what felt like too long and he just wanted to leave as soon as he could. The question he had to ask himself though was if he meant the building all together or just the room? That was something he was still trying to find out. This wasn’t his first time at the rodeo and he slumped further and further in his chair as each boring minute went by. The group leader always made the joke at the end about how next time he was  _ “gonna be flat on the ground in a melted puddle if he wasn’t careful.”  _ Sometimes Tony wondered what the leader, Sam Wilson, would do if he did just that. Probably just sigh, look at him with sad, yet understanding, eyes and ask him to share his feelings with the group. To which Tony would probably just reply with some long story about how his boredom  _ ‘flowed through my veins until I could feel nothing else.’  _ That would definitely get Sam to roll his eyes, which made Tony want to do it even more so. But alas, it was getting closer and closer to Tony’s turn which meant he needed to start thinking which direction to go on with his life this session, unless they ran out of time. 

Usually he went with the same old story of how he felt too much pressure from growing up and how his parents lack of love or emotions towards him made him seek out all sorts of approval from every person he met. Along with various other reasons. Except the thing about Tony was that he didn’t really feel exactly comfortable spilling his constant anxiety with a bunch of people he didn’t know, or even one person he trusted with his life if he was being completely honest. Most days he didn’t even want to share them with himself.

So he’d play the class clown and keep his true feelings to himself, spinning story upon story that if you read between the lines (and only then) showed how he felt. Sadly, Sam was a master of seeing through Tony’s bullshit, and whilst he didn’t call him out on his emotions in front of the group, the next day at their private session Sam would start bringing up about what Tony had said the day before. It drove Tony slightly crazy. If he ever went to another rehabilitation clinic he was going somewhere where people like Sam weren’t. He had been to  _ many _ clinics in his life and only few really understood what Tony was trying to get across. Even less tried. That was more than okay with Tony though, part of his problem with clinics was that he knew that if he waited the right amount of days and showed signs of getting better he could easily escape again and fall into bad habits, once again. Like a cycle that never stopped. Plus in some places it wasn’t all that difficult to sneak some alcohol in if you knew someone and Tony had a lot of connections.

Bucky Barnes didn’t really want to be there either. He sat slightly out from the group to cast himself on the outside, where he could be more observant. And though he mainly looked at the wall with a blank face the entire hour the group sessions went for, he still heard (and stored) every piece of information that was being said by whoever whenever. Even if it was completely useless. Sometimes the group talked about simple things like recipes when it was a bad week for multiple people and they just wanted to breathe. Needless to say, now Bucky was pretty sure he could make an entire apple pie perfectly from scratch without having to look it up, along with multiple gluten free recipes. When it was Bucky’s turn, he simply shrugged and said that he found no joy in cooking anymore - or even in the first place. The only thing the group knew about him was that he had been blown up in the military and lost his arm, along with the fact that prosthetics cost too much for  _ “what complete and utter crap they were”  _ \- he may have ranted about that once or twice on accident - and that he and his best friend growing up weren’t the best off. Bucky simply snorted when Sam said it that way, but went along with it.

Truth be told, Bucky would rather have drunken himself to death than be here. Steve should have gotten the hint that if Bucky didn’t even want to be around him most of the time - Steve, his best friend, then why would Bucky want to be around complete strangers telling his life story? Steve had then brought Sam into it and suddenly it was this  _ ‘big deal Bucky, it’s going to save your life!’  _ Too bad Bucky had been too annoyed to remember what a slimeball Steve could be when he really wanted something, effectively getting Bucky to sign himself into the clinic. Not his finest moment, he would admit, but there were a few bottles of vodka waiting for him in his hidden stash that he wanted to scull through before the night was over. It was probably sad that he had to hide alcohol from Steve, but at least he hadn’t turned to any sort of drugs. Yet. He had been massively tempted a few times but instead just drunken through the rest of his alcohol and passed out. Which was a better option in his head.

During the military he had been captured for over five years and though he couldn’t remember much from the time period, no matter how long he was there, he knew he had been injected with various liquids. Not that he knew what was in them or could even ask, let alone deny them. He had been rescued of sorts when the building was bombed and was said to be lucky to be alive, yet he didn’t feel that way. Bucky had hardly felt the pain on the left side of his torso for the first while because he was so god damn numbed from the pain killers and the general pain that was everywhere else in his body, along with from whatever was running through his veins. He was way beyond what was considered a mess when he was found.

He kept quiet in therapy sessions though. Even though he had a lot on his mind and wanted to get some of the burden off his chest, he suspected Sam would end up reporting mainly every single thing to Steve and yeah, Steve would probably be disappointed, but he just didn’t care. He didn’t want to be here. He didn’t  _ need _ to be here. Hell. If he died of alcohol poisoning, good riddance and leave it there. He should have been dead years ago anyway. Besides, Bucky just wasn’t that comfortable talking to someone who reported everything back to his best friend and though Sam had told him about the whole  _ client confidentiality _ rules, he didn’t put it past the blonde man to beat the information out of Sam.

Sometimes it worried Bucky how little Steve had for boundaries when it came to himself, but Bucky knew he would be exactly the same if the tables were turned so he tried not to complain too much. Yet though he tried, once or twice he had been found in the gym punching the bag so fiercely that it had flung right off the hold. Much to Bucky’s distaste because it meant he was sent back to his room to calm down, even though everyone knew it would only rile him up until he passed out from exhaustion. It was something about  _ “protection of our other members.”  _ Those things only happened on bad days though, and there weren’t a lot of them anymore. Yes, he still woke up in a cold sweat from nightmares most nights, but he had stopped screaming, only letting out small whimpers when he absolutely couldn’t hold them back. That alone was progress to Bucky. He couldn’t remember the last time he hadn’t been plagued by nightmares, and even though they themselves weren’t decreasing, at least he had more control on what happened in the real world where things mattered.

Speaking of the real world, Bucky shrugged himself out of his thoughts as he refocused on the spot on the wall as he realised he had drifted off. He also realised that Sam was ending the session and boy, Bucky could really go for some running around the backyard right now. Get some fresh air, clear his head, just breath. It was something Bucky was once again finding joy in - he had always liked exercising, it was too bad that alcohol had taken priority over that. Maybe once he got out he could start focusing on it again, building up as much strength as he could. Pour all of his emotions and needs into something more healthy. Steve would be proud, no doubt about that.

“Alright everyone, good work today! Before you go though, Tony, Bucky, stay behind for an extra moment, please.”

Both men sighed but did as requested and when the other few members of the group left Sam leaned back in his seat and shook his head slowly, “I want to try something with you two. Instead of doing group sessions here, during the weekly slot when we have these meetings I want you two to meet on your own away from the group.”

Tony spluttered on his words for a moment whilst Bucky dropped his head into his hands, groaning silently, “What gave you  _ that _ genius idea?”

Sam, used to the sarcasm from both men, simply grinning and looking at them both.  _ Smartass _ , Bucky thought as he lifted his head and glared in disdain at his next words, “Bucky, you don’t talk enough to  _ anyone _ here, and Tony you’re the opposite except it’s all story telling. Balance each other out, trust each other, listen to each other.”

Bucky stood abruptly from his chair and sneered in Sam’s direction, making the man shrink back the tiniest. Bucky could look like he was about to kill you if he really wanted, “Last time I trusted anybody it got me captured for close to five years, tortured and lost me my fucking arm.”

With that he stormed out of the room, unbelieving of what was being proposed. He liked the group therapies and how he could just sit them out most of the time. Sure, he wasn’t actively being involved but at least he was there and showing up. Besides, he liked sorting through his own stuff in his head where no one else could hear him.

Tony on the other hand continued sitting there, shaking his head, “This is the worst idea you’ve ever had, I’m sure of it. He’s going to kill me for talking to much, have you  _ seen _ him?”

“I’ve seen him at his lowest of lows and believe me, he’s just as scared as you are. This is non negotiable and will be good for you both. If you want to leave as soon as everyone here knows you want to, then get Barnes to participate. The sooner you both get out of here, the better it is on my mental state as well. Steve’s driving me fucking crazy.”

Tony had to snort at that. He was pretty sure by this point everyone knew that Sam was dating Bucky’s best friend based on one of the rants that he had fallen into twice or so before. Listening to Bucky talk about prosthetics and Steve getting on his case about  _ “shit that ain’t even important no more”  _ had been a particularly fun session for Tony because it meant no one else got the chance to speak as the session had ended early after Bucky worked himself up a bit too much. It also didn’t hurt that Tony liked the sound of Bucky’s voice.

* * *

 

The next week when the group therapy session was meant to happen both Tony and Bucky were excluded from the list and Sam was taking no complaints from either men. Much to their dismay. So instead of being in the usual group setting they had been content with (no matter how bored), instead they were sitting in one of the other therapy rooms sitting across from each other but not talking. Tony was trying not to fidget too much, always with an excess amount of energy in his body, whilst Bucky was sitting completely still, staring at the wall with the usual blank look on his face. Just like he had in group therapy. Tony didn’t know why but it made him feel nervous. Maybe it was because whenever he had done something wrong Pepper usually went still before the burst. Was Bucky waiting to burst? Wait, he was ex-military, so perhaps he was just trained to be that way. Maybe he was waiting for something else to burst? Some _ one _ else to burst? Tony couldn’t help but over analyse the situation - it was what he did best, “You know what if one of us doesn’t start talking soon or I don’t have something to tinker with I’m honestly going to lose my mind.”

Bucky looked up from his spot to see Tony looking exasperated. He simply quirked an eyebrow before flicking his eyes to look at the clock and lick his lips before talking, “It’s barely been ten minutes.”

Shaking his head Tony lifted his body from the chair and fell into a slouch as he started walking around the room, dragging his fingers across something as he looked at everything in his way without really looking, “Too long, need something to do. I’m a very busy man, you know. Hard to break out of routine.”

Bucky didn’t say anything but merely studied Tony curiously before leaning back on his seat, closing his eyes and letting out a little sigh. Bucky didn’t really pay all that much attention to Tony as he continued to walk around the room, thinking that once Sam saw that his idea had failed then hopefully this would put a stop to it and they could return to the group therapy and never have to mingle again unless absolutely necessary. That didn’t mean he didn’t study the man on his own time though. They continued on in silence for a little while after that, though Bucky could still hear Tony milling around the room, in search of something to do. Tony’s eyes cast over Bucky’s relaxed form for a moment before flickering back to the desk in front of him. He wasn’t stupid enough to think that Bucky was completely relaxed though, it was hard to be completely calm and content in a place like this. He saw a whiteboard and now he just wanted to find a pen, at least that would give him something to doodle. Eventually he found a red and a blue, smiling to himself as he clicked the lids off and began doodling some random blueprints that came to mind. He wasn’t sure why, but this was something he found calmness in. Maybe it was because instead of the uncertainty that came with his role in life it was nice to focus on things that were completed and worked.

“What are you drawing?”

“Blueprints.” He heard Bucky hum in response and decided that this was better than group therapy. At least instead of being bored for an hour he could draw for an hour. Get some new ideas done. As time went on and the silence stuck Tony decided that he was rather comfortable around Bucky. More so than he would be with anyone else, actually. Instead of dwelling on that thought, he just decided to continue scribbling all over the board, fully aware that Bucky was watching him intently at different points during the rest of their time. They spent the rest of the hour in silence and when Sam asked them both how the session went they shrugged and went their separate ways, not feeling the need to be in each others company longer than needed. When they returned the next week, though, there was a glass jar filled to the brim with different pieces of coloured paper. Neither of them rushed towards it, but kept glancing at it curiously from time to time as they returned to the same positions as the week before. Tony was drawing up more blueprints on the whiteboard and Bucky was back on the couch, flicking between watching the wall and Tony. There was around twenty minutes left of the hour before Bucky randomly got up from his seat and went over to the jar, pulling out a piece of paper, shaking his head when he saw it. Putting down the whiteboard pen and looking towards him with interest, Tony turned to face Bucky, nodding towards the paper he spoke, “What is it?”

“Conversation starters.” 

Both men let out a silent huff of laughter and Tony shook his head, Bucky running a hand through his hair as he read the piece of paper again. Tony plopped down onto the couch where the other man had previously been sitting, “Well, we don’t want to disappoint Sam,” sarcasm was laid thickly in his voice and Bucky let a small smirk stretch across his face, “Lay it on me then.”

“ What do you do to get rid of stress?”

A small snort left Tony before he could stop it, he rolled his eyes anyway, “Well I used to drink and that’s how I got here. Give me one that’s  _ not  _ completely ironic.”

Bucky simply hummed and tossed the paper aside, bringing the jar over to the couch, sitting down and placing it in between him and Tony, using the jar to purposely to create a barrier between them. Just because Sam had this stupid idea didn’t mean he had to open up in any way. The two of them sifted through some of the easier questions, giving pretty plain answers that didn’t need any expanding on. Asking things like each other favourite colours, where their dream vacations are, easy trivial things like that. It wasn’t too opening, just enough conversation to get through the hour without boredom to fill it instead. It was pleasantly nice and both boys found themselves enjoying each others company that slightest further, though they still held their cards tightly to themselves, not wanting to break the peace in the solitude. Truth be told, neither man had bothered to get to know anyone else at the treatment clinic, figuring that if they were only there for three months, why bother? Tony over talked so that no one would want to consider starting a conversation with him, thinking it would never end, and Bucky said nothing and brooded a little more than necessary to give off “ _ talk to me, I dare you _ ” vibes. Sam simply rolled his eyes as the both of them, seeing past their actions and finding the deeper meaning. Of course.

So Bucky and Tony, in the sessions that followed, continued using the conversation starters, but also followed up with questions of their own. The walls were still up, but they found themselves relaxing slowly, slowly into the routine. They found themselves talking about their friends, what their houses were like and how their days normally went. It was still guarded, the way they talked about everything else but themselves. Tony still talked more than Bucky did, but that was okay. That was routine. Tony told Bucky about Rhodey and Pepper, and about how this was definitely not his first clinic and would be amazed if it was his last one. Bucky said that Steve and Sam had both been hinting about him going to a clinic for years, but only agreed under the condition that it wouldn’t be with anyone but Sam. 

“What’s it like working with Sam?”

Bucky had initially frowned at the question and Tony was about to back peddle before he heard the other man let out a small sigh, “It’s hard sometimes… In the one on one therapy sessions. Steve doesn’t seem to have any boundaries when it comes to me, ya’know? So sometimes I worry what I say to Sam in there, might slip to Steve in conversation and some of the things would just make a mess. Also I’m not really overly fond of Sam telling me all the time that they’re proud of me for coming here, because why have other people be proud of you when you can’t seem to be proud of yourself?” 

Bucky’s frown deepened and Tony was left a bit startled. He hadn’t expected an answer quite like that, but he had come to learn that when Bucky spoke, he usually spoke with raw emotion and feeling. He didn’t hold back and so instead of pushing the topic, Tony himself revelled something about himself, just so that Bucky could see that this was a two way street, “I know it’s not the same, but when my parents died I had the media in my face whenever they could and all these people giving me their condolences. They had no boundaries when it came to me or my feelings, what I was going through,” he let out a humourless laugh, “but they would do anything to get a story I suppose.” 

The two sat in silence for a moment or two before Bucky coughed lightly and changed subject, picking out another piece of paper. Neither of them brought up the talk in the times after that, but at least once during the hour chat, they would have a moment of seriousness. One moment where they didn’t have to worry about what anyone else said or thought. This time, Tony was feeling brave as they sat in a bit of peaceful silence. He smiled at Bucky lightly before putting down the whiteboard pen. He still drew blueprints wherever he could as a nervous habit - though he wasn’t nervous aa he sat down beside the other man as he asked him the question that himself conflicted on the answer. He wasn’t sure whether this would finally be the one that Bucky would shut down on, but Bucky had seemed pretty open towards Tony thus far and what had he to lose? His only friend? The only person that made this place bearable? Tony never shied away from a challenge and so he simply let his head fall back and close his eyes before he opened them again, only to look at Bucky - who was already looking at him curiously. As if he knew Tony wanted to ask him something. Tony just decided to jump the gun before he chickened out.

“What would you be doing if you weren’t here right now?”

“I’d be dead. Or dying… If I hadn’t drunken myself into a hole, like I wanted to, then I probably would have gone ghost. Hidden. Left Sam and Steve behind to go to a new place, start anew with no consequences. Drink myself to death there.”   


Tony was silent for a moment before he sighed and hung his head. Bucky had answered that too quickly and without hesitation. That either showed the amount of trust that Bucky had installed in Tony, or it would show just how much he thought about that question. It could have been both, and whilst the thought of the first answer made Tony blush slightly, the latter had Tony’s gut dropping. Instead of seeking any answers for those thoughts, he continued with a sigh, “No matter how much I want to go ghost I can’t. Not just because I’m a fairly recognised face for either weapons, mistakes or my money, but because it feels bad on my conscience. Most I lasted on purpose was about two weeks. I put emphasis on the ‘on purpose’ part of that statement.”

When Bucky spoke next he sounded deep in thought, talking slowly to make sure he was using the right words, “After the explosion, I was forced back to medical. They patched me up as good as they could, but I was freaking out. So I went ghost. Steve lost his shit when I appeared up at his apartment however long later. Captive for five years and then a captive of my own mind for three, just tryna figure everything out. Showed up at his doorstep, he took me in without a word. Was only a matter of time before I was drinking. Couldn’t go a day without getting blackout drunk,” he was silent again for a moment before he sat up a bit straighter and sighed, looking over at Tony who was staring at him intently, “My problems go deeper than the bottle though. As most of ours do. I’m just afraid of the big possibility that when I get out of here I’m gonna kill myself.”

“You ever tried before?”

Tony knew he was probably pushing it, but he just couldn’t stop himself. Not that he was sure he wanted the answer anyway. Bucky simply gave Tony a tired smile as the door opened and Sam walked back in, signaling the end of the hour. Usually both men were gone by then. Tony didn’t think Bucky was going to answer, but the response he got before he left the room had him craving to know more about Bucky’s life, “Not on purpose.” And with a wink, he left the room. Tony sat there dumb for a bit before Sam’s slight cough and raised eyebrow startled him out of his haze, but Tony merely gave a grin and a shrug.

What happened in therapy, stayed in therapy.

Or that’s what they let themselves believe because everytime the session was over, they found themselves craving the other person's presence and attention. Bucky mainly hid away in his room, but sometimes went to the gym or the common area to read if he wanted to observe. Tony was usually outside somewhere, or repairing broken things with practised ease. They would sometimes see each other around the facility and smile with a wave, but they didn’t start hanging out until after that conversation. Suddenly Tony was glad that he brought it up when he felt Bucky’s presence beside him on the grass under the tree, safe from the sun under the shade. They didn’t exchange many words, just a simple greeting, and that was perfect for the two of them. So from then on, sometimes Bucky would join Tony outside, and other times Tony would sit beside Bucky in the common room - though they never really conversed. They had a firm friendship though, but things started to change one day when Bucky had one of his bad days.

Everyone in the clinic got bad days, it was a known fact. Hell, even Tony still got them as frequently as they came, but he always pushed them aside and joked to cover up his feelings and desires. That, or he tinkered until someone took his tools away. Which they never seemed to, because lord knows this place needed the upgrades. 

Tony had walked out to meet Pepper and Rhodey on one of their visits and instead gotten halfway before Sam had pulled him aside and murmured something to him about Bucky needing someone to calm him down and that he would most likely listen to Tony. He hadn’t taken a minute to think before he walked up to his friends, smiled and then spoken, “Sorry guys, looks like duty calls. It was nice seeing you two for all of,” he looked at his watch with fake interest, “five seconds, huh. New record. Schedule another meeting with my agent, we’ll be in touch.” To play on the joke he clapped Sam on the back and shoved him towards his friends with a wink before the smile dropped off of his face and he went to find Bucky. He ran into one of the others in the clinic, who merely told him that Bucky was in his own room. When Tony got there, he knocked on the door first and when he got no reply whatsoever he carefully opened the door, explaining what he was doing as he was doing it as not to spook Bucky if he was in some sort of zone. When he did manage to find Bucky though, he was sitting at the edge of his bed, breathing harshly, yet still sitting stoically, and focusing on a single spot on the wall. His face was blank of any emotion, but it wasn’t like the expression Tony used to see in the group therapy sessions, or sometimes saw now, no. It was the face of a person who had seen and done too many things to be able to do anything else apart from dwell on the past and regret. He knew. He still got like that sometimes himself.

“Bucky?” Tony wasn’t surprised when he didn’t get an answer, and instead planted himself on the ground in front of Bucky, hands on the bed beside the others legs, but not touching. He didn’t try push the other man, knowing it wouldn’t be helpful and eventually when Bucky did turn to look at him however long later. His eyes were vacant and clouded over. His eyebrows scrunched together as he apparently tried to piece together who Tony was. Tony knew a bit about Bucky’s struggles, yet he obviously didn’t know enough to know what Bucky was comfortable with and what he wasn’t. So when Bucky tilted his head, lips tugging into a frown and he muttered something in Russian, Tony could only assume this was something that had happened to him around his war days. Tony tried to keep his face neutral even though he knew his eyes were probably betraying him. It seemed Bucky had picked up on this too. Tony didn’t say anything in reply, just sat there and kept Bucky company. Eventually after a while Bucky seemed to be relaxing into his skin, or as much as he could, but he finally looked at Tony like he was actually seeing him, “How long was I out?”

“I’ve been sitting here for just over an hour and a half I think, not sure how long you were out before Sam got me.”

“Right. Sam. We’re in rehab. Fuck… This is one of those times I really wish I hadn’t let that punk send me here, all I want is a drink.” Tony huffed out a laugh and let his head hang, he hadn’t realised just how tense he himself had been, waiting for Bucky to come back to himself. Even if he wasn’t sure he was fully back to himself. If he ever would be. He felt relief as Bucky smiled lightly at him though, not missing the way that this shoulders were still squared and his jaw kept clenching and unclenching.

“Sorry pal, but if I’m not allowed a drink then neither are you.” He even held out his pinkie as a joke, and was a little surprised when Bucky connected his own without a moment's hesitation.

“Thank you for sitting with me.” Their pinkies were still connected together and Tony let a soft smile spread on his face when he looked at Bucky.

“What, you think when my only friend needs my help I’m gonna ditch him? Not a chance, sir.”

Bucky smiled a bit bashfully before he sighed, the frown returning to his face and he looked away from Tony and instead back to the wall. Tony couldn’t help the disappointed feeling flowing through him, but as Bucky dropped his head and ran a hand through his hair Tony remembered there were more important things to worry about.

“Today’s just hard. Always has been. Ever since…,” he formed his words slowly and Tony couldn’t help but remember this was something he did when they first started talking, and like he had back then he simply let Bucky figure out what he needed to. He stayed still even when Bucky let out a growl of frustration and stood up suddenly and without warning, leaning his head against the wall, “It’s been 12 years.” It didn’t take Tony much thinking to figure out that Bucky meant since he was taken as a prisoner of war. He didn’t try to offer any words of support, or any words at all. Though he did, very cautiously, giving Bucky enough time to move away, place his own hand on the other man's gingerly before Bucky let out a shuddered breath and Tony took the move to stand up and wrap himself around him, trying to give comfort. Tony didn’t know how long they stood like that, both of their eyes closed in the peaceful silence. Comforting each other somehow.

It was strange.

Being like this with Bucky, enjoying the silence and not trying to fill it. Anyone who ‘knew’ who Tony was outside of the clinic would laugh at the sight of Tony being silent and ask him what he had done wrong - immediately think it made him guilty for something. It was nice for Tony to meet someone who may have known a little about him, but gotten to know him in a different way. He tried not to focus on himself too much though, another thing that would have made people laugh - man, they really did not know him at all. Instead he was trying to focus on subtly giving Bucky as much comfort as he could. Eventually Bucky let out a small sigh and turned around, pulling Tony into a hug and burying his head into the crook of the other man's neck, Tony stayed standing like that for a couple of minutes before he pulled away from Bucky to sit down. Hands still connected, he pulled Bucky down towards him, wrapping his arms around the man as much as he could. Though by the way Bucky nuzzled closer into him and clung to him even tighter, it was obvious the contact was appreciated.

And if they woke up the next morning, still tangled together and said nothing about the previous day or how they got there, well.

That was just how things went.

* * *

Tony had been having such a calm time in the clinic that he almost forgot why he was there. It wasn’t until he stumbled to the fridge, half asleep at one in the afternoon after spending most of the night awake with Bucky, only to find bottles of water. He let out a groan, still not focused on where he was, and started sifting through the different cupboards. A frown formed on his face as he became more awake and realised where he was. Fuck. Running a hand through his hair he closed his eyes and let out a breath of air before he sat at the table, wishing he was still sleeping. People came and left the room as Tony continued to sit there, unmoving, unthinking. Cursing Pepper and Rhodey for sticking him in this place. His only consent had been an eye roll and a hand wave and he  _ had _ gotten in the car when it came to pick him up but still. Totally and completely unfair. Tony wasn’t sure how long he had sat there by himself until he blinked back to reality and Bucky was in front of him, casually reading something, not looking at Tony. He knew better than to think that Bucky wasn’t paying attention though, he was always paying attention. Even to the little things.

Ever since giving up the hooch, Tony had been feeling less and less hungry. Which wasn’t unusual, but he also seemed to have a real craving for all things containing sugar. Also not unusual, but this time around it felt different to the others. Tony didn’t know why this was hitting him so hard, he had stayed for three months (and longer) at other clinics and had yet to experience anything more than a dry throat or needing a sugar rush at the best of times. He always survived on less sleep, but now he was feeling truly exhausted whilst sticking to something of a normal schedule that was kept. As he continued to sit, he found himself thinking back on previous rehab stints and found that this was the first time he was actively  _ trying _ . Usually there was always someone who managed to sneak in some form of alcohol and Tony always befriended them first. That or it was his one of his exes who seemed hell bent on ruining his life. That, or he  _ was _ the guy. Didn’t always work though, because after the first few times Pepper and Rhodey had taken to patting him down and checking for bottles before he got  _ near _ the clinic. He wasn’t sure what was different this time, but at the same time he was completely aware of the reason as a warm hand slipped into his own, fingers intertwining.

He was trying because he had Bucky with him.

He wasn’t sure when these feelings for the man sitting opposite him had come in, but now the he was fully acknowledging them, he was struck with the realisation that they had come a lot stronger than he had ever anticipated. Hell, how long ago that they were just managing to engage each other in five sentence conversations. Now it was like they could barely be split for more than an hour before they started to miss each other a bit too much. Individual therapy sessions were still a thing and Sam was always a bit too smug when one of them accidentally mentioned the other in a fond tone, always bringing up the fact that it had been his idea to bring them together in the first place. The two of them just rolled their eyes at the man and had continued on with the sessions, always eager to go find the other man after. One time Bucky had been late because he and Tony had fallen asleep in the same bed around five am and Bucky had therapy at nine am. Sam hadn’t let that one go yet and the two of them weren’t expecting him to let it go anytime soon.

Tony turned and tried to focus his attention on Bucky and found himself studying Bucky’s face, everything hazy apart from the place he had his attention on. He was suddenly realising just  _ how _ pretty Bucky was and man, was he fucking swooning or what. Bucky was so good, too good. Had almost died and here he was, battling addiction and instead of doing it alone like he admitted he was pretty set on stone doing, he was here. With Tony. Holding his hand and just letting Tony space out without even bothering to question - already knowing it was useless. Tony suddenly snapped out of his haze and he took a deep breath, which he regretted because it made him focus on just how dry his throat was and suddenly he was in a spiral again, “Didn’t you say Steve was coming today?”

Bucky hadn’t seen Steve in two and a bit weeks and was looking forward to seeing his friend again, stating with a laugh he was surprised to have said that when he previously had wanted to throttle him for all his nagging. Bucky looked up at Tony from whatever he was reading, small smile on his lips, “You’re here having a shit time and you’re worried about Steve?”

“You were looking forward to it.”

Bucky huffed a laugh and looked at his watch, humming lightly before leaning back in his chair and looking at Tony as his smile increased, “Cute. You wanna stick by me or I can be back in five minutes tops.”

Tony didn’t doubt that, knowing that the man would probably just greet Steve and leave immediately if he could but he simply shook his head and stood, signalling for Bucky to lead the way. They were in the meeting area in no time and found Steve sooner, Sam sitting beside him as they talked and Tony put on a shaky grin. He knew his voice would give away his struggle, but he couldn’t help the snarky comment, “Man Sam, maybe in future therapy sessions Buck and I could start heckling you about  _ your _ relationship.”

Sam looked up surprised before a smug grin planted itself on his face as the two men sat down in front of him, “Tony, didn’t know you were in the chauffeur business now.”

Bucky rolled his eyes and let out a sigh, “Sam, we’ve told you before, he’s just my sugar daddy.”

“Best sugar daddy _you’ve_ ever had, and for that, you’re welcome.”

Steve was looking between the two of them with a small smile before he held his hand out for Tony to shake, “Pleased to meet the guy who my best friend and my boyfriend drone on so much about.”

Tony fake swooned towards Sam before he shook Steve’s hand, “Aw, Sammy! I knew you secretly liked me.” Tony’s throat was still feeling unreasonably dry and he smiled gratefully when Bucky tossed him a water bottle. To which he gulped down in record time before letting out a small sigh and leaning his forehead on Bucky’s shoulder. It was too bad he still felt the thirst for something he knew he couldn’t have. He then proceeded to lift his chin and, because he was in an annoying mood, decided to start blowing in the other man's ear only a few moments later as Bucky was trying to converse with the other two men. Tony wasn’t trying to be rude by ignoring them, he knew Sam and Bucky would get it immediately, but he just hoped Steve didn’t think he was uninterested in Bucky’s life outside of the clinic. He was just having a really shitty time.

“Tony, what the heck are you doing?”

“Listen, okay. When you started talking to me, this is what you signed up for and you wrote in permanent marker, so screw you.” Bucky rolled his eyes fondly, a small smile gracing his lips before he turned back to converse with Steve and Sam. Tony huffed lightly and rested his forehead on Bucky’s shoulder once more. Tony hated how obviously plain it was that he was suffering. His hands had a slightly shake to them now as he held them in his lap and he was taking slightly deeper breaths, just trying to push through. He honestly just wanted some cuddles, but at least he was with Bucky - who seemed content to have Tony practically trying to become one with his shoulder. Suddenly there was a tap on his shoulder and he sprung up in surprise, blinking his eyes open for a bit before he huffed at the receptionist in front of him, concerned smile on her face, “What’s up?”

“Someone’s here to see you and they’re quite… Uh, adamant I guess would be the right word.” Tony’s entire face dropped within a split second. Just when his bad day couldn’t get any worse.

He turned to Bucky, “You’d still like me if I commited a felon right?” Bucky merely raised an eyebrow, frown on his face as he watched Tony heave himself up, muttering under his breath as he did it and followed the receptionist, who led him to exactly who he expected.

“You know, I completely forgot about you for a while there. Isn’t it great. Forgetting people, moving on, not bothering people.”

The man simply smirked and pulled out a water bottle, but judging by the tint of colour and the fact that Tony knew  _ exactly _ what the man was like, he was willing to bet all of his money that it was some type of alcohol. The man took a gulp before offering it to Tony, “Want some water, sweetheart?”

“Maybe if you had the common decency to bring actual water, but instead you’re making a fool out of yourself once again. Anyway, the odds that I’d ever take anything from  _ you _ again are very low. So low they get into the negatives, just like you.”

Tiberius “Ty” Stone simply laughed at him and walked closer to Tony, who took a step back and  _ fuck _ , now he was crowded in the corner with one of his exes. This never worked out well for him. Ty offered the bottle a lot closer to his mouth and god, if Tony hadn’t already put so much effort into actually trying, he would have taken that bottle and gulped the whole thing down, regardless of what was in it. That was what Ty was expecting though. And Tony  _ had _ put effort into not drinking - he also had Bucky - who was in the room next to him and man Tony just needed to  _ think _ of Bucky and he was already feeling slightly happier about everything. So he simply took the bottle and poured the continents down the sink, giving the empty bottle back to the man who looked a mix of disbelief and rage, “I’m not on that shit anymore, Ty. For once in your life use your damn ears when I tell you to leave me alone.”

A sickly sweet smile found home on Ty’s face, “Ahh, playing the innocent card until you get out I see. I’ll call the clubs, tell them Tony’s back,” he started to slowly stroke Tony’s cheek and oh man, it was so much better when Bucky did it, “We’re all missing you. Wherever you went, the party followed,” he seemed to get even closer to Tony and then proceeded to whisper in his ear, “We can have a party of our own though. I know you miss me, I’m all you’ve got… Know any private areas?”

Tony shoved Ty away from him, blank expression on his face and it was then he noticed his whole body was basically shaking, not just from the lack of alcohol. Ty had always terrified in a way he could explain. He just wanted to get away and go be with Bucky, be safe. So he walked to the security in one of the other rooms and with a sigh asked them if they could escort the man out of the building. He went into a separate hallway to calm down a bit, but the shaking and the thirst seemed stronger now. He had been so close to finally having at least a sip after almost three months and he had turned it down. Most of him was proud, but there was also a smaller part that was screaming at him for wasting the drink, that Bucky would leave Tony as soon as he left and Ty was as good as it got. As he walked back into the room where Bucky still was talking with Steve and Sam, he didn’t acknowledge anyone at the table, he just simply collapsed into Bucky - who caught him and tucked him into a comfortable position like they had done a million times.

Tony was, at times, the most obvious book ever to read when it came to his emotions, and right now was one of those times, but Bucky always knew exactly what to do to make Tony feel more comfortable - more like it was okay for him to have a small breakdown. So he bid goodbye to Steve and nodded at Sam only a few minutes later after Tony re-joined them and though Tony did feel a bit guilty over the fact that it was because of him Bucky was ending quality time with his friends, yet as Bucky led him down the hallway and into his room, he couldn’t help the relief.

Today had been a shit day and he knew that in therapy the next day he would no doubt be talking to Sam about what happened, about Ty - which Sam knew the gist of what happened, Tony now realised he would have to dive into the insecurities Ty had left him with a little bit - but as he cuddled with Bucky he honestly couldn’t care.

God.

Was it bad to be completely head over heels for someone you’ve only known for less than three months?

* * *

Bucky felt his throat grow even drier as he looked at the bottle in front of him. Almost as if it was cracking from the inside no matter how much saliva or water he drank. He frowned as he looked at the almost see-through content, like it was disguising itself as it were water and once upon a time he would have tricked himsel into thinking that it  _ was _ just water. He knew better now though. When he had gotten out of the clinic all those months ago, Steve and Sam had been equally gutted and, in (not so) private, angry that one of the first things Bucky had brought was a bottle of vodka after Steve had gotten rid of the rest of his alcohol when Bucky first entered. When Bucky had told them (pleaded is a better word) to trust him, they had been rightly distrusting of him at the start. Though he could proudly say he had proved them wrong so far, and planned on continuing to. Bucky had been out of the clinic for eight months now and though some days he could be found sitting in silence staring at the bottle, as if it were daring him to open it, he had yet to open it. His progress meant too much. For him, it made him feel a bit better to have it there, to know that  _ if _ he ever needed it, it was there and available for him - though with regular therapy sessions and a fairly busy life, along with how he had spent the past 7 and a bit years, he doubted he would touch the substance again.

He allowed his fingers to dance closer to the bottle, to touch it, grip it. Just to make sure it was real. His fingertips made contact and he allowed a satisfied sigh as he gripped it harder just for a second. It was real. He looked at the bottle of water beside it, yet it didn’t hold his attention for long. He had to focus on the bottle, it kept drawing his attention in and he couldn’t help it. As he looked at the bottle, it represented all he had done to get here. Who he had gained and who he had lost. He was dimly aware of the door opening behind him, but he didn’t move, didn’t take his eyes off the bottle. He soon felt a warm body behind his own and the unknown tension left his body as he leaned into the warmth that was calling to him - the bottle seeming less important now but he still kept his eyes on it. Just to make sure.

“You doing okay, honey?” Bucky let out a small whine at the question, but as a hand started moving up and down his arm, and he started to feel better, more relaxed already. It was amazing the affect the man had on him.

Tony watched his boyfriend with a small smile. Tony had left the clinic a few weeks before Bucky had and he still went back during most visiting hours just to see Bucky, who thought it was sweet of Tony to go out of his way just to see him. When Tony had left, joining Rhodes, Pepper and Happy in the car, they all waited for Tony to start going on about how he needed a drink, or have the false sense of innocence he usually wore, but instead he just frowned, “Sam didn’t even let me stay the extra two and a half weeks. Remind me that I’m going to sue him. Wait, no, don’t. We’ll send him some wine, just as a bit of a joke. Only in two and a half weeks though and you  _ better _ remind me or so help me.”

“Tony… Are you okay?”

“Better than ever, actually! Just wish Buckboy was coming too, s’all.” Tony shrugged nonchalantly as he kept his eyes out side the car, already word vomiting about everything else that had happened as his friends tried to piece together who ‘Buckboy’ was. On the way home, Tony had made Happy stop at a burger joint and whilst he went and got some food, Rhodes and Pepper exchanged glances before following him inside, shrugging everything off to normal Tony. They’d find out soon enough anyway.

When Bucky had been released the two and a half weeks later, Tony had, in fact, given Sam the wine. That was more due to Bucky reminding him though, they both thought it was hilarious, even if Steve had simply sighed at the two of them before hugging his best friend, “Glad you aren’t dead, jerk.”

Bucky had smiled warmly at Steve as they pulled away from each other, though he clapped his hand on Steve’s shoulder, “And leave you all on your lonesome? Wouldn’t dream of it, punk. Still got a few years left in me.”

“He can’t dream of you either, they’re all filled with my sexiness now. Sorry Steve, you’ll just have to deal with being in boring ole Sam’s.” Steve had met Tony once or twice now, even outside of the clinic, which was nice. Steve had actually been the one to suggest sharing a car to pick up Bucky, and whilst it hadn’t been that long that they had known each other, or even that Bucky and Tony had known each other really, it was easy for Steve to see the admiration and feeling the two had for each other - mainly how happy Bucky looked whenever he was around Tony. So when Bucky walked over and slung his arm over Tony’s shoulder and kissed his cheek, before leaning over and whispering something that made the shorter man blush and slap Bucky’s chest well, he couldn’t help but smile.

The two had managed to be amazing support systems for each other, and they still had Sam near, of course. They relied on each other more than anyone else though, as they were both going through the same thing. They were slowly starting to accept help from friends, and actually seek it when needed instead of keeping things to themselves. So when Bucky had brought the bottle of vodka and Steve had not been happy about it, Tony had taken the blonde man aside and explained to him that Bucky was using it like a trust exercise, and that it would be more successful if Steve supported it instead of focusing on the negatives. Explaining further that Steve’s negative attitude would only rub off on Bucky and it wouldn’t end well for anyone. So Steve had let go of his worries, if only around Bucky, and the change had been more than he expected. It still made his heart race a little faster when he saw Bucky in front of the bottle, not responding to anything he said, but he had to remind himself that the bottle would stay closed and that it was Bucky’s decision no matter what and he had to support him. Honestly, both Steve and Bucky were thankful for Tony because they all knew the stress of each other probably would have led Bucky to a relapse. Sometimes Steve motherhenned too much and that was something that Bucky really didn’t need.

Bucky did things like that for Tony as well, taking him out when things at work got too stressful or doing little things like running him a bath, or leaving behind some unfinished blueprints for him to finish and other things as such. If a lot of people were downing his mood or the media was saying harsh things about him, or either of them really (they hadn’t bothered to try hide their relationship), Bucky would be there to hug and praise him, sneaking kisses that though Tony pretended to be disgusted in, loved immensely.

Pepper and Rhodey often told Bucky how they appreciated all he had done for Tony, but he would simply shrug and play nonchalant, something Tony would roll his eyes at and praise his boyfriends ten times harder for. It wasn’t a problem that he also loved the way Bucky blushed and would do it whenever he could. The media had quite a few photos of Tony with a blushing Bucky out in public, causing Tony to laugh whenever he saw them. His boyfriend was just too cute for his own good, even if he looked like he was constantly brooding about everything. No one would really be surprised if he was though. It was something that was often joked about, and sometimes to play up the part, Bucky would specifically go out with Tony and looked like he absolutely did not want to be there - all emotion void as Tony was as laughs and smiles around him. It made them laugh, but to some people it made them uneasy.

Bucky eventually closed his eyes when Tony started kissing softly along his shoulder and neck, allowing himself to relax further into Tony’s grip, practically slumping onto the man now. There was nothing sexual about the action, just soft pecks to let the long haired man know he wasn’t alone because yes. Whilst they had some really good days, the bad ones still came and when they hit, they hit hard. Some days Bucky would seclude himself to his room or disappear for the entire day, without anyone to track him and a note left behind. Tony would throw himself into tinkering or close off from everything and everyone. Sometimes he would even have a drink of some scotch or something else. Yet at the end of the day, Tony would always call Bucky ashamed of what he had tasted, making up all these unneeded excuses whilst Bucky calmed him by saying that it didn’t make him any less because he had a drink, making sure he knew that he was still proud of him no matter what and it wasn’t going to change. And even if no one could reach Bucky all day, no matter how hard they had tried - one time Tony and Rhodes had even decided to try follow Bucky on one of his wandering days, but lost him within the first ten minutes, causing him to remember his boyfriends experiences with going ghost - Bucky always ended up climbing back into bed with Tony at the end of the day, where he would take role as the little spoon, needing all the comfort he could get.

They did end up having the conversation about that day a while later, about Ty and how it was mainly his fault that Tony had become so addicted. How the man  _ always _ visited Tony in rehab if he could help it to try derail him, but it was always harder to talk about things whilst scars were fresh. Both men knew that. Bucky had opened up and told him about what the military had been like for him, not all at once, but enough so that if he suffered a panic attack again, then Tony would be able to help and not feel out of his depth. Tony did the same for Bucky though, and now when they went to the occasional group therapy session, instead of Bucky sitting and looking at the wall, bored out of his mind and Tony over talking and making up some story until Sam told him to stop, they revealed little pieces of their actual struggles to the group. They told of how alcohol dominated their lives, how they struggled to make it through each day with more than just a taste, struggled to make it through the morning without it.

It was safe to say that all of their friends were pleasantly surprised in a big way to see the amazing change in their attitudes, and when they had been out of rehab for a year, there was even a party thrown for them. It was just their close friends and it was perfect. Stories had been swapped about each of them, Rhodey was telling of all the things Tony had done at his days in MIT and Steve was telling of Bucky pre-war. What once would have been bittersweet to hear, as they were stories from before they started their downwards spirals, became stories that they were glad to be hearing. During the party, as their friends continued to laugh and swap stories about anything and everything Bucky and Tony found themselves alone in the kitchen. It was silent for a few moments before Bucky turned and wrapped his arm around Tony, pulling the shorter man to his chest, “You never answered your own question that day.”

“Hm?” Tony continued preparing more snacks as Bucky hummed against his throat, “You asked me  ‘What would you be doing if you weren’t here right now’ and you never answered your own question.”

Tony let out a small laugh. Of course Bucky would remember that. He smiled slightly before putting down the knife, turning to face Bucky and draping his own arms around the others waist lazily, “Trust you,” Leaning up and kissing Bucky’s nose briefly he thought for a moment, “I was thinking about it at the time and for the life of me couldn’t think of anything. Probably missing out of the best thing to ever happen to me. Still doing press conferences, running a company, drinking constantly, but I wouldn’t have someone waiting for me. That’s the most important thing. Luckily for me, you’re very good at waiting on me hand and foot.”

This time Bucky laughed and Tony smiled as he felt the vibrations, “I said that day it was hard getting praise from Sam and Steve because I couldn’t feel proud of myself. I still don’t, but that’s only because I’m proud of us as a collective.”

Tony grinned up at Bucky, who had only grinned back before leaning down and kissing him sweetly before he left the embrace, picking up the plate that Tony had filled with snacks and giving him another short kiss before going back out to the living room, already correcting Steve on a story that he had apparently been telling wrong. As Bucky continued to tell the story and the apartment filled with loud laughter once again, Tony couldn’t help but feel more at home than he had in years. There would always be good and bad days, but with Bucky and the support of his friends at his side, then Tony could probably do anything. Tony realised this once more as he walked back into the living room and plopping onto Bucky’s lap, arm already moving to grip his waist with practiced ease. He felt a kiss on his forehead and relaxed completely into his boyfriend, basking in the moment as he looked around the room and saw everyone he had come to love getting along and enjoying themselves. Yeah, at once Tony and Bucky had felt like alcohol was all he needed to be happy, but with time and some motivation, both boys had found happiness in each other - battling their (passing) addictions one day at a time.

Together.

**Author's Note:**

> This took me over a month to write, so I hope you like it!  
> Also, please leave a comment and tell me what you thought, feedback always means the world to me.  
> Sidenote, also thinking of writing a part two that shows their lives before they enter the clinic, just to understand their trauma a bit more. Thoughts?
> 
> For those who are interested, this is Bucky's timeline:  
> Enlisted at 18  
> In war for 3 years  
> POW for 5  
> Ghost for 3 years  
> With Steve and Sam for 4 years  
> Rehab
> 
> find me on tumblr,  
> @pitifuis


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